Have you ever awakened and found a raccoon in your bed?

I didn’t think so…this stuff only happens to me.

It’s a conceptional metaphor folks (raccoon:nocturnal carnivore in bed, John:Japanese toilet)–but these Japanese toilets are something else. I found a Rosetta Stone kiosk in the hotel mall and have had some luck translating the instructions for the 17 knobs and switches on my toilet.  Notice I said “my toilet”? This is personal.

Keep in mind I don’t speak a stick of Japanese but one of my translations for the very last knob is…”grind”. Grind is a verb–what the hell is the subject?  Never mind, the math is easy; “Grind” on any toilet means “homesick” in English.

The Jointmaker Pro is in the booth and tomorrow (which is really today in the US on account of the way time gets messed up when you fly great distances) is ready to go.  So, I opted to try and check-in early at my hotel which is really late in the US, and stumbled upon another lesson in foreign culture.

My room is on the 44th floor of a hotel that overlooks a bay with guys fishing in boats. A great deal at $65.00/night if I could figure out my room key and/or I liked boats. Fortunately there was a female Japanese staff member in the hall and our conversation went something like this…

“Excuse me.” (Which I am sure translated means “YO mama!”)

I demonstrated without words that my key did not work. (There were more red lights on my door than in the streets of LA after the Lakers last NBA championship.)

She flipped the key over, pushed it in, the lights went green and the door opened!

You are probably thinking that I felt really stupid. However in order to feel that stupid, one must obviously not feel stupid, or moderately stupid at some point which of course is a stupid concept. So what did I do?

I took the palm of my hand and slapped my forehead–the universal signal of stupid according to the Three Stooges.

And then, in perfect English I was asked,

“Does your head feel OK?”

–John