Yesterday the Dow dipped below 10,000 and I know why.
Michael Berg (who claims to work here and is 100% responsible for all of our manufacturing delays) became a first-time father. Clearly the Dow saw this in negative light.
Apparently he finds time to make babies but ignores your needs for our latest and greatest new tools. Go ahead and be mad–personally I am hotter than a sphincter after a bad Mexican meal…
Well, we (that includes you) can fix this (not the delays) by laying the foundation to make Michael a super dad. Here’s how;
Let’s create the world’s greatest check-off list for newbie parents. I have started it below, you can add yours in your post.
Furthermore, please share your greatest parental scam–mine is below. Why? Well parenting is 100% fun 100% of the time.
THINGS TO LOOK FORWARD TO AS A PARENT of a NEW BABY BOY
- Drool. Lots of it.
- Toxic Diapers
- Bed Wetting
- Projectile Vomiting
- Mysteriously Broken Windows and Major Appliances
- Barefoot Lego Hell at 2:10 AM (All we need to do is carpet bomb the Middle East with Legos. Game over.)
- Soccer Games at least 120 miles away (or so it seems)
- Emergency School Counselor calls … AT WORK.
- Clothes and Shoes that NEVER FIT… for TWO FREAKIN’ DECADES!
- Missed Curfews
- Sleepovers so carefully coordinated to confuse parents that Jack Bauer comes out of retirement to help solve.
- Never hope to finish higher than third in the pine box derby.
- Stitches. Lots of them.
- A crusty sock or 10….(this should come as no surprise).
- The smell of the family aquarium after returning from the family vacation is rather special.
- From age 9 to 19 you will be the dumbest bastard that ever lived. However, intelligence can be purchased through massive allowance raises.
- Never forget this parent formula: L=CS x 4W (Lice equals clean sheets four weeks in a row).
…now it is your turn! Add your contribution to the list.
MICHAEL, WATCH OUT FOR THESE SCAMS;
Back in the 60’s the World Series was played during the weekday. This meant I needed a week long disease to watch Mickey Mantle and Roger Maris during school hours. So I perfected the art of holding the thermometer up to my bedside light, and shaking the temperature down to 101-102. This works fantastic!
On day three, my mom came in earlier than expected and yanked the glass tube out of my mouth (by the way, oral thermometers were relatively new thankfully).
“You have a temperature of 113.”
“Is that bad?”
“It won’t keep you out of school. Get dressed.”
Busted, I had to have a better plan. So the next morning I brought my “A” game.
“I don’t feel very well.”
I received the cursory hand to forehead and was asked, “Do you feel sick to your stomach?”
I offered a barely audible. “Yes.”
“THEN GET INTO THE BATHROOM NOW!”
My plan was working–all moms hate vomit–can’t say I like it myself either. While in the bathroom I clandestinely opened the vanity door and removed the bucket of cleaning supplies–these were temporarily dispatched to the ugliest shag throw rug you have ever seen. I then dipped the bucket into the toilet and filled it with about a quart of sparkling fresh toilet water. And then I waited.
About 5 minutes passed when I heard my mom walking towards the locked bathroom door…
“John, are you OK?”
And at that epochal moment I inhaled, and while letting out a guttural scream, I dumped the water back into the toilet from a height of about four feet (even back then, my attention to detail was astonishing don’t you think?”). I then added a couple of gag coughs and some spitting for added realism.
“I am calling school–you are staying home–brush your teeth and get into bed.”
And on that Thursday in October, 1960, I watched (on our 12″ b&w TV with Sputnik legs) Mickey Mantle smack two homers–and the Yankees cruised over the Pittsburgh Pirates 16-3.
From that day forward, “the bucket trick” never failed me.
Now it is your turn. Share you greatest scam and Michael will pick a winner. This winner will receive one of the hundreds of disemboweled tools that has turned Micheal’s office into a Superfund site. Trust me, somebody is going to win something.
Surprisingly, I feel pretty good after sharing that story.
–John
PS: Actually Calder Cary Berg, this post is for you, all seven pounds of you. Welcome to the world.
Checklist:
– One child will sit up in bed and vomit all over themselves, their sheets and their stuffed animals. The other will make it out of the bedroom to the small hardwood hallway shared by the bedrooms and bathroom, where they will promptly vomit in a manner that covers the entire walking area. This will happen simultaneously–and more than once. You will be barefoot.
Scam:
TP Art
I am the youngest of five children. My parents were away for the evening and returning late. After dark, my siblings and I decided to toilet-paper the neighbors–all the neighbors. We lived at the top of a cul-de-sac. The decorated bushes, trees and cars appeared magical in the moonlight. As we returned home, we realized how quickly we would be found out when it was discovered that ours was the only unaffected house. Fortunately, we had enough remaining supplies to add our address to the list of victims. Our parents didn’t even notice until the next morning and no one was ever the wiser.
Michael,
For the checklist: Diaper change/firehose, need I say more!
Scam, I always was partial to the report card grade change. I don’t know if they even send them home anymore because of email, but you can’t get too greedy, maybe change a “D” to a “C”, and then crinkle it up real good to make it even harder to see that a change has been made!
Congratulations and good luck!
Shall we look for the next tool offering; BCR-1, the Black Chrome Baby Rattle?
-Rutager
Rutager-
I got caught changing an E to an F. How bad is that?????
And, I actually got an F minus once–in clarinet!
-John
Actually, on a clarinet, An F-minus becomes an E.
Michael – congratulations! As John says, parenting is 100% fun, 100% of the time.
Okay, that’s the first scam…
Ah yes, baby barf. I recall when Gillian was less than one, Sharon and I were all dressed up to go out to some function, and a graduate student of mine had come over to babysit (she was going to be having a baby of her own soon, and wanted some in-the-trenches experience). About 30 seconds before we were to step out the door, I heard Gillian cry from her bed. I went in and picked her up. As she was going from horizontal to vertical, she started spewing the barf with admirable distance an accuracy. All down my suit jacket. All over the bed. Onto my nice black shoes. Into my nice black shoes.
I rushed out the door, and put her in the bathtub which she quickly filled with barf. She probably only weighed 20 lbs then. I know what you’re thinking, and you’re right: it was a miracle! Just like the loaves and fishes in the bible. Where did all that barf come from?!?
So here we have me, the bedroom, the hallway, Gillian, and a bathtub covered in barf. We’re late for our event (probably to have dinner with some rich person who we were hitting up for $$ to support Scripps or something). Babysitter is in a state of shock (though, to her credit, it was apparently not enough to stop her having sex some months later).
Ah, heady times. Buy a lot of “Nature’s Miracle”. Works on dog barf. Works on kid barf. Get rid of your carpet. Or at least be prepared to get rid of it when the kid’s 10 or so.
Best scam ever? Not sure I have one. But I certainly did some wonderfully destructive things. The best one was crawling into the eves of our house (my bedroom was in the attic), and drilling a hole in the roof so that I could put my telescope out through the roof. My Mom discovered it one day when we were in there, looking for something. It was raining out. … And I thought I’d been so careful to drill under a flap of the shingle. Apparently not.
Nice to see you back, John. We’ve missed you. Hope you had some good time off.
– Peter
P.S. Michael. Put the emergency room number on your speed dial. You wouldn’t need to do this if you’d had a girl.
I may not have much money but I have lived a rich life. Witness;
When I was seven years old I wanted a chemistry set for Xmas.
“Not until you are 12.”
When I was eight years old all I wanted for Xmas was a chemistry set.
“Not until you are 12.”
When I was nine years old I begged for a chemistry set.
“Not until you are 12.”
Imagine my surprise the Christmas morning of my tenth year when I received the big kahuna of all chemistry sets-every known chemical known to man in a case with enough metal and hinges to make a Quonset hut bomb shelter. Holy crap!
“NEVER ATTEMPT AN EXPERIMENT THAT IS NOT IN THE MANUAL.” Oh. OK.
The first eight or so “recipes” were for various forms of indigo ink. And I assure you, none of these were flammable–so disappointing. Two hours of ink making had me skipping chapters. Then I discovered the “rotten egg smell” recipe.
Made my first batch of hydrogen sulfide and sure enough, I had enough stink to out-stink a skunk. Bottled a batch of stink gas in a large Skippy peanut butter jar one Saturday morning and went upstairs to stink out my siblings. My idea was to ask them if they could recognize the smell and then watch their head try to leave their body. Unfortunately the little bastards were outside playing in the snow.
My parents (George and Marge..it’s true) were asleep but their bedroom door was slightly ajar–I took this as an invitation, removed the lid from the peanut butter jar and rolled it under their bed. I then went into the living room to watch Saturday morning cartoons.
About five minutes passed when my mother came running out of the bedroom.
“Jesus Christ George! Get up and go to the bathroom!”
Looking back, had they waited until I was 12, I am sure I would have found a way to blow the house out of the neighborhood. And for that I am grateful.
A big does of hydrogen sulfide is sure to bring tears to ones eyes. But that chemistry set has been bringing tears to my eyes for almost 50 years running…
–John
Michael,
Kids don’t have to know how to speak to have a temper tantrum. When they are two, it gets worse. Set them on your knee and make them look you in the eyes – works every time. You don’t have to speak and you only need to do it a couple of times!
Babys have all of the intellegence, but none of the experience. they basically just have a “root directory”. Teach them numbers early – try flash cards. The closer to the root directory you store information the easier it is to retrieve. DON’t teach them your cuss words – it works the same way.
Look forward to your son borrowing the car for a “night out”. Not bad the first few times, but they WILL forget their curfew on about the 5th outing. There is a cure! Mom must be sitting at the kitchen table (crying) when they walk in. They will feel really bad. Eventually, they will ask “Where is Dad?” The answer is – “He was sent out to find you and not come home until he has”. Works every time!
Michael,
I forgot one – If it turns out you don’t like changing diapers there is a way out! You just have to puke on the baby while doing it and you will be barred from doing it again!
DJ
So why isn’t there a picture of the newBerg on the “What’s New” page of the BCTW web site? Seems to me to be the perfect place for it. And also on the BCTW Facebook page.
And to think that Michael made Calder with his own CT-1.
– Peter
So the discussion around the Franks’ household yesterday was why Calder was not named “Ice”. Seems like the perfect name. It’s worked well for Ice-T.
By the way, Gillian’s real name is “Ball Park”. We just call her Gillian for short.
– Peter
Okay: Things to look forward to as the parents of a new baby boy
– buy two of everything (blanket, pacifier, toy cars) as he’ll get attached to it, and when it gets lost or broken, the world will come to an end.
– Tall bookcases with expensive stereo and TV equipment are actually climbing structures. Unstable climbing structures. Plan on stitches and perhaps a cast.
– Nothing that is valuable to you is safe. Give up now.
– Hopefully your tools don’t rust. You’ll find out in about 10 years when you accidentally dig them up from the garden.
– Your kid will not be nearly as interested in you in your science/engineering knowledge. Until they become older, and you’ve given up/forgotten. But by then you’ll be the stupidest person on the planet anyway, so it won’t matter (see John’s point above).
– Everything – EVERYTHING – is interesting when you first learn to walk. Don’t plan on going anywhere fast.
– Make sure all flesh is out of the safety buckle on the child seat before clicking. DAMHIKT
– Cars have lots of nooks and crannies. They will soon – and forever afterward – filled with a collection of goldfish crackers, M&M’s, raisins and barf.
– Some smells never go away.
– Cars do not have drain holes in the floor.
– Fortunately, DVD’s are much smaller than peanut butter sandwiches. So that’s one less thing to worry about. (Think: VCR)
– The DVD slot is about the same as a tortilla chip. I suspect they don’t play well.
– Ceiling fans will not support a 40 lb boy dressed in a Batman costume.
– It’s hard to get glue and paint out of dog fur.
– A ceiling fan can be used to slingshot rocks when put on high speed.
– It costs about $300 to replace a window.
– Stairs are fascinating. Put the emergency room on speed dial.
– You need to get him to straighten his legs to get them out from between the uprights on the deck railing when they get stuck. Knees are narrower when they’re straight.
– Scalp wounds bleed a lot, but they’re not usually that serious. Scalp stitches don’t show much. Unless he decides to shave his head.
– It’s amazing what can get stuck in those fatty folds of a baby’s arms, legs and body. Check regularly.
– Plan on repainting the house – at least the bottom 3 feet of every room – in 6 years.
– Peter
John,
EVERY kid knows how to tamper with the thermometer, but the vomit trick, genius! I can’t believe you just gave that one away for free, it boggles my mind to try and calculate the street value of that gem! My fake sick day usually started out with a real one, but then whatever I was watching on tv would turn out to be part one of two, and I would have to turn the sickness into a double.
Since you asked for a parental scam, and didn’t specify which party benefited from it, I’ll share one for the parents. Now for full disclosure; I’m not a parent, but spent much of my early teens babysitting and then a couple years as a playground supervisor, so I’m pretending to have some qualifications! This also might qualify as a “parlor trick” as well. After you wasted much time and breath trying to get a child(ren)’s attention at ever increasing volumes, try this: Ask in a very quiet voice, almost a whisper, “who wants ice cream?” you will now command the attention of every kid in the room, this has never failed me, and by the way, don’t give them any ice cream, they don’t deserve it.
-Rutager
The first item on the Checklist is also Peter and Fred’s reaction to a new tool! Ok, mine too!
-Rutager
You will come home to find the nicest skateboard ramp ever built.
It will be half finished and include your prized walnut boards that you saved for years.
The scratches on your fenders will exactly match up with the height of the handlebars on his bike.
Single malt scotch will not evaporate through the cap.
THINGS TO LOOK FORWARD TO AS A PARENT of a NEW BABY BOY:
That’s easy, Your lawnmower will find tools that have been missing for weeks. It might even be a great idea to start a line of plastic copies for the children to play with.
Greatest parental scam:
Uh, will you settle for a plain scam? I’m not sure I have a greatest…
Some fool, er a kindly God-Father, gave me a working tool set on a birthday, maybe 7 or 8th. After getting caught sawing on a table leg, it was greatly impressed on me that I was not to saw any of our trees down and I was sent outside to play. Shortly after that, our neighbor found me happily sawing his new dogwood tree. The parental units decided at this point to confiscate my saw, so I borrowed my Fathers… The hammer part of the saga is another story.
May the young lad provide many many adventures! Congratulations!
Michael,
Beware of the “Trifecta Gift.” In this scam, usually perpetrated by your single male friends, every gift giving opportunity becomes a challenge to them to find gifts that have all of the following 3 traits: They must be noisy; messy; and smelly!
Remember, it’s never to early to start threating all of your child’s uncles about getting the lad a Guinea Pig!
-Rutager
I love giving drum sets to new parents–you have to do it in person, demonstrate for the little lad, encourage him to go for it and convince him he is really, really, good. This way, the noise he makes when they take it away is way worse than the drum set. (the more cymbals the better!)
This also gets you removed from the Xmas card list which is fine by me.
Maybe this is really a parental-type trick: sign seen recently on a shop dealing in some pricey antiques and similar items:
Unaccompanied children will be fed an axpresso and given a puppy!
Which reminds me of the standard teacher scam. You’ll be “thrilled” to find out that Calder has been granted the special “honor” of taking care of the class hamster/gerbil/guinea pig/snake/frog/lizard for the weekend/long weekend/(oh horrors) summer vacation. This honor only goes to the best students, who have to really earn it.
– Peter
In middle school, I was limited to one hour of time spent video games per day. I was not spoiled – my parents almost never gave me rides to school and so I would walk to school with a friend. So every morning we had school, I would walk over to my buddy’s about an hour before school started. We would play video games for over half-an-hour while he ate his breakfast before we embarked on the 15-minute walk to school. Some days, his mother would give us a ride, and we would get 50 minutes of game time in.
Yes, mother, I like to get to school early so I can fully prepare for the day ahead.
Rutager,
It is a darn good thing you included yourself on the reaction to a new tool with Peter and me. 😮 However, I would love to take Calder’s place as can you imagine the tools that the young man will be receiving every birthday, Christmas, etc., WOW.:o 😮 I am WAAAAAYYYYYYY envious. 😮
Fred
Another excellent scam was related to me by a high-school friend. Like John (okay – and almost anybody else on this forum) he wanted to skip school for a day. Someone had told him that if you drank some salt water, it would make you throw up, but you’d feel fine afterward. (Okay – he was only about 10 at the time. Remember the things you believed when you were 10?) Well my friend thought this was a brilliant idea.
But what if the salt water didn’t work? Maybe he should swallow more salt, just in case. He ended up taking about 2 tablespoons of salt, with a little water.
Yep. He threw up. A lot. And had really bad stomach cramps. And talk about water retention.
But he did stay home from school.
Writhing in agony…
– Peter
Some more parenting tips:
– Anything — ANYTHING — can be used as an imitation gun. I had some hippie friends who banned all weapons from their house. Their little boy used to run around the house holding a stuffed bear like a gun, yelling “Bang! Bang!”
– Doctors have really clever tools to get objects out of nostrils and ears. You’ll see.
– Dog food is actually pretty healthy. Dog biscuits are pretty flavorless.
– If you don’t already have them, look up “Pee pee tee pees” and “Diaper Genie”. I could imagine a BCTW diaper genie. They’re awesome.
– Baby’s legs are pretty strong, and they often kick with a thrusting motion. Be careful where you put them for changing: if they happen to kick against something (your arm, a wall) while they’re horizontal, they’ll shoot back off whatever they’re on, usually landing on their head. In retrospect, this may explain a lot…
– You’ll soon find that cleaning out the old oatmeal from the pot is not nearly as disgusting as it used to be.
– Always check his pockets before putting dirty clothes in the laundry. My mom once found a stickleback. Still alive. We had it in an aquarium for years afterward. Tough fish.
– Surprisingly, blankets held over your head don’t slow your fall that much.
– You’ll grow to love the sound of tiny flat feet slapping on the wooden floor.
– You’re doing it wrong.
– Your wife is right.
– Apparently (I’ve checked and it seems to be true) you owe your wife 9 months of footrubs.
– If you thought school was bad when you were there, just wait. That first phone call from the principal…
– Almost any kid’s toy hurts when you step on it in the dark. This includes stuffed animals.
– You’ll be very surprised one day when your son is standing by your bed in the morning when you wake up. On the one hand you’ll be proud that he’s learned to climb out of his maximum-security crib all by himself. On the other hand, that’s the end of your sex life.
– Peter
Sharon reminded me of two excellent parental scams that we pulled on Gillian.
We’re in a restaurant, and Gillian (age 4 or so) is complaining about something. Unfortunately, this is not very unusual. Sharon turned to Gillian and said, “You see that sign over the door?”
“Yes.”
“It says, ‘No Whining Or Complaining’. So there’s no whining in the restaurant.”
Inexplicably, “No Whining Or Complaining” was spelled “Maximum Occupancy 60 People”.
The other scam was similar. When Gillian was 5 – and still complaining – Sharon pulled out the “Your Child’s First 5 Years” book, and opened it to “Age 5”. She pointed to the page and showed it to Gillian, saying, “It says here that the American Society of Pediatricians says that all 5 year olds are cheery, happy, smiling, and helpful around the house.”
Gillian believed her for about a day. Then it wore off.
– Peter
Scam: When you are late, come into the house out of breath and say I ran all the way home once I realized what time it is.
ToysRus will be a monthly debit on your credit card.
You will not have a hot meal again for 10 years because your child will need at least 10 minutes of your attention just as your meal is done.
Some other things they don’t tell you about parenthood:
– You’ll spend the first 2 years worrying about why your kid isn’t talking, and the next 20 years wishing he’d be quiet.
– Nothing will give you more joy than seeing your little baby smile for the first time. Or the second time. Or just about any time after that.
– Pasta glued to tongue depressors is even more precious than Commemorative Tools.
– Your more treasured art will probably involve oval horses with 12 to 15 legs.
– With any luck your son’s kindergarten teacher will have the kids fill out a questionnaire about their parents. This is where you discover that your kid thinks your age is 12 (REALLY old!), that your job is playing soccer, that your favorite food is peanut butter sandwiches, and that your weight is 20 pounds. Or 2000 pounds. He’s not sure.
– The stories that you hear about the families of your kid’s friends are the same stories they’re hearing about you.
– Kids lie. Really badly. Until they get older, and have more practice under their belts.
– A kiss, a hug, or an “I love you” from your child are more wonderful than anything in the world.
– Peter
I just remembered a scam that was pulled on me by a 4 year old that I used to babysit when I was in High School. Lucas suggested we should play “Candyland,” but I had to wait outside his room while he got the game out. After I was let back into the room, he announced that he would take the first turn. The little devil had stacked the deck, every other card was a good one! 4 years old and he’s already a cheat, he probably works for Goldman Sacks now!
-Rutager
Brilliant! Our solution to that sort of thing, Rutager, was that the person who cut the cake was not allowed to choose the first piece. You wouldn’t believe the intensity of concentration of the cutter to ensure that both pieces would be the same size!
That’s probably why I’m good at cutting things. Serious pressure for a straight cut at a very early age…
– Peter
Most effective prank we used to play:
When I was about 10, my two buddies & I would camp out in one of our backyards in a pup tent. At about 2:00 a.m., we would sneak out and go a block or two away, looking for open garages. (This was the 60’s.) Someone would give an “owl call” when we were each in a garage and we would attemt to start the lawnmower and run. We could usually get two or three going before the lights started coming on and some guy would come out yelling, “What the hell’s going on out here? Damn kids!” We would be hiding in the bushes trying not to laugh too hard. People started closing their garages at night.
Best prank ever pulled on me:
A friend & I were traveling on a winding country road on night in Western NY. As we came around a bend and up over a small arched bridge, there was a wallet in the road, stuffed with money.
We screeched to a halt, backed up on the bridge and started looking for the wallet in the light of the headlights. My friend re-directed the lights several times as we searched the weeds, sure that it had flipped off the road as we drove over it.
We then searched the bottom of the jeep with a flashlight, thinking it had become lodged in the undercarriage somewhere.
As we resumed the search along the road, a woman stuck her head out the door of a nearby house. “Are you guys looking for a wallet?”
“Yeah,” we replied.
She said, “it must be those kids again.”
We then heard some snickering from beneath the bridge. They apparently had a wallet attached to some fishing line, which they would yank off the road when some idiot stopped to pick it up.
Embarrassed, we continued on to the bar.
Oh my… the ’60’s!
There is a reason they make movies about this stuff.
When my son went to college (2002) I asked him if they ever flooded the dorm hall and surfed on food trays…he looked at me like I was from Mars.
“Dad! We would go to jail for that.”
“That’s too bad. Not in the ’60’s!”
–John