____________________________________________________________________________________________________

“The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher regard those who think alike than those who think differently.” –Nietzsche

____________________________________________________________________________________________________
 

Twenty-one years ago, while seeking hallucinogenic mushrooms in the forests of the Pacific Northwest, I discovered what is surely the rarest wood in the world.
 
I did not know what it was, but knew it must be extremely rare. Maybe even really rare. So rare in fact, the next day I signed up for botany courses (at an online University based somewhere in Europe) and within three weeks I had my Ph.D. Amazing isn’t it?
 
What you are about to see is officially known as “Pseudotsuga menziesii Franco Measles”, and because I discovered it, I got to name it! You are likely struggling with all the syllables and extra vowels I added, so use the layman name: “Spotted Dowel”. Aren’t you grateful for layman terms?
 
Now, for the first time in this Totally Awesome and Worthless Blog, I present Pseudotsuga menziesii Franco Measles:

 
Although I have kept “Spotted Dowel” secret for 21 years, I tell everybody about all my degrees. Why? There is an enormous burden when you discover something previously unknown–numerous degrees seems to help. Mainly, folks think you are crazy.
 
Now YOU, the privileged class, aka; Drivel Starved Nation, can also be considered crazy by entering our first contest of 2012. Oh, I forgot, valuable free prizes are at stake.
 
How you say?
 
By following these 10 “RAREST WOOD IN THE WORLD” ENTRY RULES:
 
1. Construct a base from gallery quality eastern maple (no cracks, knots, nails or substitutes) with the following dimensions; 4″W, 4″L, 1.75″T.
 
2. Bevel one edge ALONG THE GRAIN at 45 degrees until the bevel is .25″ from the bottom of the base.
 
3. Plane/Sand all SEVEN sides–this is going into a gallery. No visible sanding marks.
 
4. Obtain a 6″ long by 3/16″ diameter brass rod and polish it so it is shiny. No Visible sanding marks. Do NOT substitute a different diameter.
 
5. Drill a 3/16″ diameter hole in the top of the base that is located 2″ x 2″ from a non-beveled corner.
 
6. Do NOT put any finish on the base.
 
7. The overall height of your mounted rare wood example cannot exceed 6.5″. That means from the bottom of the base to the top of your sample. Cut the brass rod accordingly and mount to your sample. DO NOT MOUNT the rod and rare wood into the base.
 
8. Type out on a piece of paper the scientific name of your discovery, location, date and a very brief description.
 
9. Carefully package your entry, and ON MARCH 1, 2012, and not a day before, send us your discovery.
  Bridge City Tool Works, Wood Sample Division, 2545 SW Spring Garden St., Portland, OR 97219
 
10) If you would like your sample back, send us two complete samples. One is going into the RAREST WOODS OF THE WORLD MUSEUM.
 
What will happen in March? We are going to laser etch your base with the info you provided. The RAREST WOODS OF THE WORLD MUSEUM is very strict about the samples complying with their mounting rules. Once etched, it will be photographed for posterity and judging.
 
The top three entries will receive BCTW Gift Certificates, $500, $250 and $100. We will award other prizes too–mainly crap in our warehouse that we lost our shirt on.
 
And if you haven’t figured it out by now, this is a creativity contest. If you are confused about the entry rules, look at my PERFECT SPECIMEN below to ascertain your word count, hole location, bevel, etc. …
 
–John