John here, your favorite Tool Potentate reporting from his annual work retreat…
Each year I manage to ameliorate the exigent pressures of the BCTW staff, and the enmity of woodworking forums, by sequestering myself (and a PC) anywhere with 5-digit phone numbers. It is, in simple terms, the narcissistic diktat that keeps Bridge City alive.
“How important” you ask?
Right before I left a week ago, I received this phone call;
“John, we have never met, but I represent an international consortium of investors interested in purchasing Bridge City Tool Works—we believe you will find our offer, an all cash deal in the range of two and a half billion dollars, most attractive. Of course there is room for further negotiations should you disagree.”
“What the hell would I do with two and a half billion dollars?” And then I hung up—I get this crap all the time. Am I the only person in the world to get acute anhedonia from large amounts of cash? Doubt it.
No less than three minutes later, Megan Fox called me—third time in two hours. What a pest.
Now you understand why it is imperative that I get out of town for three weeks of aberrant behavior–it’s boot camp for my brain.
During this effulgent time, all I do is think about creating yet more tools that nobody wants nor can afford.
Actually, that is an exaggeration.
I do take breaks. Why, just the other day I was enticed by an online ad that offered a breeding pair of Woolly Mammoth fleas for a ridiculous price. This was appealing because I often perform interesting experiments on Louie dog. Unfortunately this plan was ruined when I discovered (upon closer inspection of course) that some moron substituted Himalayan Yak fleas—I felt like a complete idiot.
Undeterred, tomorrow I expect a small vial of platypus venom to be delivered for an enjoyable eschatological experiment I am going to perform on myself.
Regarding new tools—oh my—on day four I was gobsmacked—and that is why I do this to myself. And this is how you too, could someday become a Tool Potentate.
Stay tuned.
–John
Well, performing eschatological experiments is better than scatological experiments, I suppose.
Looking forward to hearing what gobsmacked you. Is it going to be a good year?
(Gotta go – the cable guy is here to fix our *deeply crappy* cable phone. Really.)
– Peter
Back now – the phone works.
Yes – isn’t that Megan Fox pesky? I keep telling her to stop calling but it’s always, “Peter, could you refinish my table?” or “Peter, could you make me a footstool?” or “Peter, would you rub oil on my naked…?”
And good for you for turning down the $2.5 billion. Hardly enough to keep you in microbrew.
– Peter
P.S. Yes, you’re probably the only person in the world to get anhedonia from large wads of cash. But I’d like to test that, just in case…
Too funny. I almost made it through without looking up a word… but alas, effulgent sunk me. So close…
Enjoy the retreat… just don’t surrender.
Charles
Megan seems like a nice young lady. Maybe you shouldn’t ignore her? She may have something really important to say about creating…tools?
I LIKE the word gobsmacked. It has a meaning everyone can understand….
I wish I could take a retreat like you do – it seems that US industry likes to keep us “nose to the grindstone” not realizing that a little down time can actually more than pay for itself… Have fun John.
DJ
In the back of my sketchbook I keep a list of seldom used words that I like-gobsmacked is one of my favorites.
But my post was not about words, it was about finding a way to combine the images of a Woolly Mammoth flea and Megan Fox in the same offering. Only your favorite Tool Potentate dares to combine a pic of Megan Fox and anhedonia too. And as smart as you Bridge Citizens are, this apparently has flown over your heads–shame on you all.
Don’t you realize how difficult this was?
Gotta go…phone is ringing. Care to guess?
–Color Me Exhausted.
I can’t stretch my brain that far John. It is like “bodybuilding for the mind”. I still like “gobsmacked” One word with soooo many mental pictures that pop up…
DJ
John,
It is an amazing image but I think perhaps a picture of a small, very sharp new plane being used by Megan to not only get rid of those Woolly Mammoth fleas but also show how she can parse the fleas in any manner she wishes. Of course she would be shaving these fleas off of her body while turning her back on EL WAD O’MONEY. She would then show that the invention and conceptualization of new tools for the sake of mankind far exceeds mere cash.:o 😮 😮
Fred
I’ve got to stop reading your blog when my brain isn’t as sharp as my tools. I got a good laugh over your $2.5 billion line.