What the BLEEP is THIS?–The Movie!

G-day Mate!  (I am pretending to be on an exotic vacation)

John here-your favorite Tool Potentate with another dose of piffle.

Just read that Transformers: The Revenge of the Fallen (it’s a movie) has pulled in over 200 million bucks since it opened last week.  This sum is a  mere rounding error compared to the soon-to-be-released revenue figures from The Tool You Will Want Real Bad.

Furthermore, the enormous profits from The Tool You Will Want Real Bad will be impossible to conceal when my European accountants leak that I am buying my own island continent (forgot to think big for a moment). One simply cannot ignore the phalanx of customers worldwide who want this tool real bad and don’t know it yet.  How do I know this to be?

For only $6.50 and 50 extra calories, I received the following secret message at lunch today;


Life is good. And yours is about to get better–here’s the movie that will usher in a new epoch!


26 comments on this post:

  1. Hi John,

    I called up and talked to Natasha, and she kindly let me order 3! I figured 1 for the tablesaw, 1 for the JMP, and the last one to adjust to various other tools. I watched the video and it was superb. The section on figuring out the kerf, borders on genius! One question on the video, when is the theatrical release?


  2. John,

    In the video it shows a mallet to put the parts together, what would the pros and cons be of maybe adding a few thou to the kerf?


  3. Rutager:

    You can adjust the “fit” simply by how hard you close the jaws when gauging your stock. It is cool how, with a little experimenting, you can do whatever you need.

    So there is no pro or con and that was a good question.

    Do you think I would look good in a tuxedo?


  4. John,

    Sure, especially if you had a custom made stainless steel bow tie!

    Don’t worry too much about the speech, with all the screaming and fainting girls at the award ceromony, no one will hear it anyway!

    Thanks for producing another cool and useful tool, I look forward to putting it in the arsenal!


  5. John,

    Just as Rutager did, I ordered 3 of these babies. Assuming they are as good as it looks I will of course be looking at the additional 141 to amke my gross. :o)

    Also, thank you very much for your post on our forum. It was very much appreciated. Lastly is there any chance that you and Bridge City will be at the Valley Forge Convention Center in October. I would love to have the opportunity to meet you.

    Take care,


    PS I guess KerfWOW is out? :o)

  6. Fred;

    I loved KerfWow. I also like Kerfer Dude. But our staff, who do nothing but disagree with me, wins on this one. (They also HATE the music track but I liked it…)

    We will try and go to Valley Forge–it is too early to commit for us.

    Thanks for the kind words, and I do feel a kindred connection to your forum, it is the most upbeat of the bunch.


    PS: I warned everybody about the Tool You Will Want Real Bad!

  7. I am so disappointed; I thought “KerferDude” had been finalized as the official name for this tool at the MASW session in May. Oh well, I still gotta have one or two and I suppose KerfMaker is better than snackledrogg, beznarous, or racklefritz which is some of the other names that some of us considered.

  8. John – the music was the best thing about the video! (Other than the tool, and the amazing things you can do with it…) I think you need to assert yourself more with your team. I mean, seriously: Kermaker vs. KerfWow or KerferDude? Must have been a long winter in Portland.

    I’ll second Fred’s thank you for posting on our forum. It was a delight to see you there, and I hope you’ll come back regularly to visit us. Despite of any lac of comprehension of your business model, everyone admires your tools!

    I haven’t been able to envision using the Kerfmaker with my Festool TS55 and guide rail. Am I being dense, or is this more complicated than it sounds?

    P.S. If you go to the Valley Forge event in October I promised Fred I’d go. Not sure how you should take that…

  9. Wayne,

    I like racklefritz quite a bit so I think now the he and his rebellious staff have knocked out our wonderful suggestions he needs to build a “racklefritz”. :o)

    Thank you very much for your kind words about our forum. We have some truly magnificent woodworkers as members and quite a bit of great information gets disseminated. However at least half of the time we spend speaking on any issue we wish from highly inflammatory to completely benign. This is all done without rancor because of the tremendous respect and/or friendships between all of our members. We welcome anyone and absolutely love people with warped, I mean wonderful senses of humor much like your own. :o)


  10. John,

    I forgot to add that I very much hope you will be able to join us in October. I know that if you decide to attend thatI can then get PFranks out of San Diego and out here to the correct coast. :o)


  11. First, the music. This staff has a fixation on the Beastie Boys. Ouch. Time for a pay cut.

    Vivaldi; Allegro From Mandolin Concerto In A Major

    For those of you visiting from the Festool forums, I spend maybe 10 minutes a month on woodworking forums–they completely drain me–and I cannot afford them either–after I read all the junk written about our prices, or what idiot would buy such a product…, I head off to the wine store….

    That said, I did post my email address and will answer any question your members may have, but I do not want to be connected to a thread.

    It is easy to see that you all get along and have a lot of fun with each other–pretty cool.


  12. Ironically, John, there are quite a few threads about wine on our forum. One of the members set me up with a really wonderful California Pinot Noir (I know – being in Oregon you’re probably not allowed to drink California Pinots). And it’s through my showing off my own BCT tools that I’ve brought Fred over to the dark side. So I think you’ve got the right attitude: make more beautiful tools, drink more wine, and listen to some good music (probably not Beastie Boys). In the meantime, ignore the WW Taliban!

    P.S. I don’t read any other forums either – I mean, other than this one (recently) and our Festooly one…

  13. John,

    I am quite confused Natasha seems extremely nice, smart and very competent so please tell me that she is not one of those listening to the Beastie Boys??? I mean this would be like me buying something like my DSS-6 at Home Depot. Oh wait, they do not have anything like that, oh well the Beastie Boys aren’t music either. :o)


  14. The problem is the entire staff thinks I am old and out of touch. Next time you call in, ask any of them–I feel like Charlton Heston when he landed on the Planet of the Apes. (This won’t offend anybody on our staff–all too young to know what I am talking about.)

  15. Perhaps you’re not aware, John, but they re-made the Planet of the Apes recently. Starred a guy who used to be in a boy-band in the 80’s…

  16. John,

    I am almost afraid to ask but I am 53 where does that stand in relationship to your age? I am assuming that your staff would also see me as hopelessly old and out of touch. Ha, little do they know and I am pretty sure that Planet of the Apes is where Charlton Heston made his famous saying that if firearms were outlawed they would have to pry them out of his cold dead hands. I am pretty sure he said this to the head ape played by Michael Moore. :o) You see, I am not out of touch. :o)


  17. John,
    4 is the number for me – 3 for me and I’m going to plant one as a “seed”. My son is an aspiring woodworker also. I want to see his reaction to this one! He is a mechanical engineer and LOVES unique mechanical things….

    You may not remember, but I took a design class with you at MASW a few years back and bought two VP-60 planes – one for each of us. He got the calander all year in his shop and the plane for Christmas…I do wish you could have seen his eyes bug out.

    Fred has expressed a desire to meet you. I can tell you that HAVING met you in a class for 1 week has altered my perception of woodworking. “I’m still out of the box” – I look at the card every time I enter my shop. I collect and use these tools, and they remind me that each job I do should be better than the last.

    Fred, you should consider 1 week at Marc Adams with John – you WILL NOT regret it. It is a great place to relax, meet lots of other crazy woodworkers, and to not only meet John, but get an injection of “what makes him tick”.

    As for this post: Truly fun. I don’t do forums. I get bored with them. This seems to be different – a combination of bantering directly with a genius and watching creativity at work.

    Thanks all for this one!

  18. dpj:

    Were you by chance in my design class where we made chess sets out of 3×5 note cards? If so, that was the most fun class (for me) ever! Those solutions topped all of my expectations–in fact, I have been obsessed with chess sets since. I am making one as we write on the JMP and will share it with you folks when I am done.

    The neat thing about teaching creativity workshops is that the teacher gains just as much as the students in some cases. I could teach that class for an entire summer with the right mix of students.

    Regarding forums, if people realized that their posts were forever, and that everybody else has to wade through them (without boots)… maybe they would reconsider the importance of their posts. That said, a “Coffee Corner” forum would be beneficial because it would help separate the meat from the potatoes.

    Have a great 4th everybody.


    PS: I warned everybody about THE TOOL YOU WILL WANT REAL BAD! I am changing the name to THE TOOL YOU WILL WANT REAL BAD AND I WANT MINE NOW!

  19. Dpj, a week at MarcAdams with John sounds absolutely wonderful. I am not sure that even if I knew what made John tick I would still be able to keep up with him. :o)

    My buddy, pfranks and I were noticing your purchase of the two VP-60s. We both would have no issue should you care to buy one for each of us. Yep, that is correct. We would not turn it down. :o) How many people would be as magnanimous as us? :o)

    I do not know what forums you all have been on but we have a blast on ours. John, regardless of whether people understand your business model or not as a tool maker you are held in ONLY the highest regard. I know that I would love to be as well regarded as you.


    I like the new name so what about a baseball cap with TTYWWRBAIWMN across the top. I mean what the heck if they can use TANSTAAFL then TTYWWRBAIWMN should be great. :o)


  20. John,

    Yes, I was in that class! It was great fun – I didn’t realize how it was affecting me internally. You really did a great job teaching (honestly).

    You have to take the class! John will give you such a great deal on tools you won’t be able to resist. If you buy enough of them you can “pay for the class”. (that logic didn’t work with MY wife, but you may be a better salesman?) What is your forum? I will try it.

    Enjoy the 4th!


  21. Dennis,

    I have only to convince my three dogs on expenditures as both my wives are ex. :o) I hope that Jon does not mind but our forum is talkFestool.com.

    John, please feel free excise this if it is in bad taste as I do not mean to violate any rules that you may have here.


  22. Hi John,

    Like Wayne, I was really hoping for Kerfer Dude. But The Tool I Want Really Bad will be coming to Huckabrew Woodworks regardless of the name.

    BTW, my visiting 73 yr old dad helped me make squiggle wood and my mom officially declared it “cute” and from a “wonderful company”. Your talents have indeed been recognized.

  23. They started shipping this week–should be completely out of our warehouse within the next 3-4 business days.

    Thanks for you patience–good work takes time.


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