Last year we introduced the Kerfmaker and if you don’t have one by now… maybe you can win this little contest and get one for (drum roll please) FREE!
But first you have to wade through the latest post on this totally awesome and worthless blog and then enter the contest below.
Let’s recap; the Kerfmaker will allow you to to make P-E-R-F-E-C-T bridle joints, cross laps and other tight fitting joints without measuring SQUAT! How tight you ask? Tighter than a tube top on Dolly Parton–tight enough?
We will soon be introducing the Tenonmaker, which will allow you to make P-E-R-F-E-C-T tenons without measuring SQUAT! How tight you ask? Tighter than a prairie dog’s butt in a Nebraska dust bowl–tight enough? (Aren’t you glad I bypassed the obvious sophomoric analogies…?)
Because you are likely a guy (wild guess on my part) we are forced to make a movie of the Tenonmaker so that you understand it–every guy knows manuals don’t work. And once you understand the Tenonmaker YOU WILL succumb to an overwhelming urge to send us $89 for your own personal version. Don’t believe me? Check out this testimonial;
John-I have had a run of bad luck lately that led to a pretty wild night a few weeks back. My boss at the pitchfork factory rejected my idea of a one tine pitchfork, said it was already invented and it is called a javelin. So I came home and swallowed three bottles of sleeping pills, stabbed myself in the neck with an oyster fork, jacked my car up, crawled underneath and kicked the jack handle. I really wanted to leave this earth but the pills turned out to be flea medicine for my dogs, the oyster fork hurt like hell (FYI), and that damn jack never worked anyway. My wife said if I tried all of this on the same day again, she would turn off the heater on my salt water aquarium. I think she is my problem–she just doesn’t get mouth breeders.
I ended up in therapy where it was suggested that I buy a Kerfmaker from Bridge City Tool Works. Hell, for $72 bucks I gave it a try.
I want you to know that this amazing tool ,which allows me to do P-E-R-F-E-C-T joints has turned my life around. Thank YOU!
As a token gesture of gratitude, I have included a stack of Bearer Bonds totaling $2.4 million dollars. Do with this as you see fit–you deserve it.
–Cooter Ditchman
PS: I think any woodworker who does not own a Kerfmaker is dumber than a bag of hammers.
Well now, that is quite the story yes/no?
The movie will soon be done (the TM-1 movie that is). Meanwhile the pic below showcases the KM-1 (on the left) and the soon to be TM-1 (if you guessed “on the right” you are really smart) side-by-side.
Study this picture carefully because it can be your ticket to free tools (thanks to Cooter, I am now set for life and giving stuff away doesn’t bug me like it used to…).
How you ask?
Don’t you think this picture needs a caption, one that can be shared in a family-centric blog such as this one?
Not convinced? Top three captions will win something.
This is a “No Limit” caption contest. Tell your friends NOW. Proudly hold your clarion aloft and tell the world! Do join in on the fun because I guarantee this will be fun.
What are you waiting for?
–John
John, I don’t know who does your photography but I am guessing that he is married to a woman from Jersey.
-Cooter Ditchman
PS: Love my Kerfmaker!
STOP it Harold….and put that thing away!
Okay, I’m back to the gracklefritz and peggaloomer for proper labels.
“Jerry quickly learns that wearing matching grey sweaters is only cool during the Iowa State Fair.”
“Less than two hours after attending a funeral of a close friend, Betty informs Jerry that she is pregnant–and the father is probably not annealed.”
“After months of dating, Betty informs Jerry that his DNA test came back positive…he is nothing more than a recycled beer can or two.”
Hey, there is no small print preventing BCTW employees from participating–I want to enter this contest!
Betty: “Jerry, you just don’t get it–can’t you see I am not happy? …name ONE THING we have in common…”
Jerry: “No teeth?”
-John
Betty: “Does that stub do anything, or are you just happy to see me?”
BLOG MODERATOR ALERT! “This post was approved…barely.”
“Hey TenonMaker, do you know what we have in common with potheads? Yeah man, we both make joints that are to die for.”
No, I’m not a pothead and I’ve never touched the stuff. These are the kinda things you think of when you do nothing but think about what the caption should be.
Tenonater!?! I didn’t touch ‘er!
I, for one, welcome our new robot overlords.
“Separated at birth, the twins stood wide-eyed, mouths agape when they met for the first time as adults. Charlie, the older of the two (by three minutes), had been born uneventfully. But there had been some complications during Ben’s delivery, and he never quite grew to his full potential. On the other hand, Ben’s adoptive parents had paid for the extensive orthodontic work required to correct the severe malocclusion that ran in the family. Both men had lost all of their hair by this time, and Charlie’s ill-fitting toupee was a bit…embarrassing.”
As with most species, the male is larger and “fancier” in order to attract a mate.
So, where does the Pez come out?
I like you.
You’re different.
T6? Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
I’m sorry, but I said “Lauan”, not “Luau”.
How do you balance on one foot for so long?
Hey! Are you juicing?
Does this knurling make my knobs look big?
I would like to go out with you but I need to know–are you square?
-John
I hope I don’t embarrass you, but you have the most beautiful…eye.
-John
Kerfmaker! I always feel like i’m talking to a wall! Everything i say to you goes in one hole and out the other!
I am SO GLAD you decided to attend the “Joys of Monocular Vision” session at the Woodworking in America conference!
Hi, my name is Kerfmaker, I make K-E-R-F-E-C-T joints. Whats your name? Im Tenonmaker, on a scale of 1-10 people would say my joints are a perfect TEN-on!
Oh my GOD! I can’t believe you wore your orange anodizing too! I’m soooo mortified!
Seriously, dude. Your nose. Is on the top of your head…
Waiiiittt! The stock goes WHERE?!?
Daddy? When will my flanges grow in?
I’ve got a perfect kerf for you baby..
No! I won’t make kerfs! I HATE you!
(With apologies to all parents with teenagers.)
Betty: “I want to try something new”.
Harold: “Betty, I’d put my foot down, but I just can’t keep my mouth closed when I do that”.
You know I really like you. I like your hair. I like your two toes. You are tall. But… you look a little myopic to me…
Tenonmaker? Big deal. My boyfriend’s an Elevenmaker.
KM: “I dreamt last night that I was the CT-17”
TM: “Oh yeah, I’ve had that one”
Seriously? “I wanna put my tenon in your kerf” is the best you can come up with? Jerk!
Hey Betty! If we work together, we might get depth perception!
Oh right! You expect me to believe that it’s not steroids?
I know! Me too! Those table saws scare the crap out of me!
Cool! You don’t tarnish either? You should see the HP-7 over there…
Nope – no kids. I can never remember what goes where.
I KNOW! I’ve read the instructions, like, three times, and I still don’t know how I work!
Harold: “I think we’re made for each other”
Betty: “how do you Figure”?
Harold: “I don’t Figure squat – I just know”!
Betty: “HAROLD – I can tell you’ve been up to something – I see a pencil mark on you”.
Betty: Harold you need to loosen up–you seem so tenontive.
I know. I hate those rulers too. They’re such snobs. All, “I’m so accurate” and “I’m laser etched”. Well, I’m accurate, and I don’t need no stinkin’ laser etching!
Oh Lord! that HP-7 is in trouble! I wonder if it is too late to chrome him?
Harold: “Hey Betty, where is your friend? I thought you came in pairs”?
Yeh? Well I’m “The Tool You Will Want Real Bad”. Who are you?
Really?!? I don’t make shavings either! Weird, isn’t it?
Archaeologists examine their latest tool finds on Easter Island and consider their possible uses.
Harold: “Hey Betty, If you stretch a little, I think I can hold you in my tabs”.
Betty: “Oh Harold, I’m feeling so tenontive about this….”
Harold: “I’m thinking Bridal Joints here”.
Betty: “Well O.K., but you have to promise not to measure….”.
Hey Slip.
Hey Slide.
Who would think, eh?
We could just Slip’n Slide to mathematical perfection!
Hey little guy,
So, whatya wanna be when you grow up?
Me?
I’ve already reached my potential.
Without me you’d just never fit in!
No matter how many steroids you take!
“Do you think the Earthling woodworkers care about perfectly tight joints?”
“Yes and no. Yes if it is free–otherwise no.”
New guy here. Love the tools and am quickly becoming a fan.
Kerfmaker: “If the kerfs fit, you must acquit.”
Tenonator: “Ditto!”
Kerfmaker, in a lecturing tone: “Dunhill’s Maxim says, ‘It must be useful, it must work dependably, it must be beautiful, it…'”
Tenonator cuts him off: “Yeah yeah yeah, I’m all over it!”
Tenonator: “You look like a Pez dispenser.”
Kerfmaker: “So do you, smart guy.”
Kerfmaker: “For the record, I came first!”
Hey runt!
So your here for the audition for Michael’s next film?
I’m sure I already have the lead covered!
Just because you have a beak?
Don’t you get tired of pointing it up all the time?
Moving on to a different theme – The Return of the Dynamic Duo.
Tenonmaker: “I’m Batman.”
Kerfmaker: “No, I’m Batman.”
Tenonmaker: “No…”
Kerfmaker: “Your name. At least tell me your name.”
Tenonmaker: “It’s not who I am underneath, but what I do that defines me.”
Kerfmaker: “Bruce?”
Tenonmaker: “No, Tenonmaker!”
Kerfmaker: “Weren’t you an extra in Shaun the Sheep?”
Tenonmaker: “No. Weren’t you?”
“While you were off chasing rabbets, I got a hole-in-one!”
“Silly Rabbet, Tenons are for kids!”
KM: Can I borrow your hat?
TM: Get out of here.
KM: My feet don’t move that way.
TM: Yeah I know.
Most of the guys at Tooley High showed no interest in Betty and Jerry was no different…until he learned her parents were in a bowling league every Wednesday evening.
Betty: You need to see a doctor–you’ve had that thing for over four hours!
Jerry: You’ve been timing me?
Whenever Jerry and Betty passed in the hall they almost always stopped to discuss the irony of how neither of them made the Tooley High swim team.
Betty: Go fix your hair–you look like an Elvis impersonator.
Wood? What wood? I want Coconut.
Don’t ya think we’d make a really tight joint?
Would a little walnut make the swelling go down?
We’ve got to hit every joint in town. ROAD TRIP!!!
“Kerfmaker has been accusing Tenonmaker of trying to steal his job, but he doesn’t have a leg to stand on!”
Hey Gorgeous,
Let’s get married!
I mean, besides the soulmate thing,
We work well together!
(Sniff, sniff)
I thought you’d never ask!
Your forever my guy.
Of course I will!
Hey Gorgeous….
We could even pose on top of own Wedding Cake!
“Kerfmaker has really been in the groove lately, but Tenonamker has a void in his life he needs to fill.”
Darlin?
Yes my big buttercup?
I think we should have kids!
After the tether tatter of little feet,
they could actually help us with our life mission.
How?
They could help us remember our journeys together.
Oh Buttercup! – your so clever!
@8 Moderator Comment:
That is a mod of a Mae West line in a 1933 movie, She Done him Wrong: “Is that a pistol in your pocket or are you happy to see me,” seen happily by children everwhere. While the MPAA didn’t exist at the time, adaptations have been used numerous times, including in the PG-Rated Who Framed Roger Rabbit.
John,
Maybe you need a disclaimer about not trying to come up with clever captions while running power tools. Since safety is paramount for me while I’m in the shop, I wasn’t in danger of getting hurt, but as I was standing there, push sticks on the Ebony/Holly inlay that took me many steps and hours to make, I realised that the wrong side was against the fence! I almost pushed it through. The siren call of free tools has ruined better men.
-Rutager
Well, I was hoping for a New Yorker cartoon, but this is all my agent could get me.
I’m with you: anodizing’s fine, but I really wanted to be Stainless Steel.
Of all the gin joints in all the world, she walks into mine.
Ever notice how your stomach goes up and down when you talk? Weird, isn’t it?
Duuude! Wicked belly tattoo!
Here’s how it happened, son: John created the Kerfmaker in his own image. But he could see that the Kerfmaker was sad, and needed companionship. So John created the Tenonator. And it was good.
Who IS that dude who wanders around here muttering about buying his own island? What a whack job!
Don’t you dare get skeletonized! What would your mother say?
No, sweetie! You weren’t hatched! That’s silly. You were brought by the tiny helicopter that delivers Kerfmakers to shops all around the world.
“It’s not the size, it’s how you use it!”
It pisses me off, too! The CT-17 gets modeled after a helicopter, and what are we modeled after? A STAPLER!
I used to have toes, too. But I was attacked by a bench dog.
Hey “T” why so sad? “I just ran into Robo Cop in the locker room.”
You’re taking this zero-tolerance on tan lines way too far!
“T,” tell me again why we’re just standing around here? Well “K,” we’re waiting to see this blog get more than 100 relpies for the first time!
G’day mate!
What’s G’day about it?
If we stand here any longer we could put in a stint as
Buckingham Palace Guards!
Aye! Then at least we’ll get those long furry hats!
….and then Sir Michael will have to do an animation of the changing of the kerfs!
Don’t you mean Changing of the Tenons?
Well, that would depend on who goes first!
Hey Ralph.
Yes Alice?
There’s going to be a big problem if the rate of these entries
goes over a hundred.
And what would that be Alice?
Cause at this rate the next benchmark would be 1000!
And what would be bad about that Alice?
Well, John would need the help of Michael & Natasha to sort thru them!
So ?????
Well, that would in turn delay the production and shipment of the other tools that are in play.
Well, you might have something there Alice.
Ralph?
Yes Alice?
You’re home now – you should flip your hat back!
But Alice, I would then lose my way!
Ok Ralph…… you got me there!
The Kerfmaker asked the Tenonator on how one could let go and change one’s settings.
The Tenonator replied it’s all about the essence of “letting go” and then recanted about the the story of two monks……
(Two monks were returning to the monastery in the evening. It had rained and there were puddles of water on the road sides. At one place a beautiful young woman was standing unable to walk accross because of a puddle of water. The elder of the two monks went up to a her lifted her in his alms and left her on the other side of the road, and continued his way to the monastery.
In the evening the younger monk came to the elder monk and said, “Sir, as monks, we cannot touch a woman ?”
The elder monk answered “yes, brother”.
Then the younger monk asks again, ” but then Sir, how is that you lifted that woman on the roadside ?”
The elder monk smiled at him and told him ” I left her on the other side of the road, but you are still carrying her “)
I’m just wondering who’s going to be judging all our drivel. It might not be good for his marriage if John’s wife were involved…
– Peter
It was fate, the day Kerfmaker and Tenonmaker met, and decided to make little Mortisemaker.
“Some people only spray-tan their face.”
“Between the two of us – we’ll have this town covered.”
Note- It should be noted that when Michael does the animation of these two talking to each other, that the dark grey elements would be moving up and down as they speak.
The village idiots of LEGO Land.
“My social worker thought I might have a hard time on the outside, but I find myself adjusting very easily”
Twins seperated at birth meet for the first time at Tenonmakers house, just a stone’s throw from Prarie Island.
“hey Tenonator ! Without me you’d have nowhere to hide!”
“hmm, Kerfmaker – that’s actually only half true, that would actually be the domain on what Peter suggested earlier – you know, the Mortise-Maker.”
Now that your here what do you need me for?
I need you like I need an extra hole in my head.
How do you say P-E-R-F-E-C-T-I-O-N times two?
“H-A-R-M-O-N-Y”
so a kerfmaster and a tenonator walk in a bar and the bartender says: “you just missed a priest, a rabbi, and buddist monk… it was hilarious!”
so a kerfmaker and a tenonator walk in to a bar…
bartender: “whudyah have?”
KM: “i’ll have a b-eer”
TM: “i’ll have a rum and c-oke”
bartender: why the tiny gaps?
modified punchline: why the tiny gaps when calibration is so easy
KM: But?????
TM: It’s okay; the island has only moved…….
When I grow up I just wana be like you………
Baby, together we can make beautiful joints.
I CAN’T BELIEVE you’re wearing the same outfit as me!
I think we walked into the middle of a photoshoot again.
Daddy, what’s a tenon for?
Nice hairdo!
Well, it’s looks like were are late to the party, AGAIN.
Kerferdude, don’t make me put my foot down! I told you to stop pinching those curly boards. But Tenonator, it was just a little squeeze.
Kerferdude, why do you make such hermaphroditic joints? I specialize in crafting the male parts of a joint. Get it figured out!
Kerferdude, could you check my nose, it feels like I have some gaposis. Tenonator, you don’t have any gaposis, but it does feel like you have snobosis. (in a thought cloud) I do wish he would stop looking down on me all the time.
What’s with the Elvis look there Tennonator? Looking to impress the ladies with your tricky moves and your male joint parts?
TM: I’m too sexy for your kerf, too sexy for your kerf, so sexy it hurts…
TM: “So this is what the Internet looks like. I somehow thought there would be more color.”
KM: “Nope, grey as far as the eye can see”
Hey Cousin , You sure have grown!
KM: “Old wise one – This pose is getting tiresome…
lets blow this joint!”
TM: “My little grasshopper- When you you learn?
We’re unable to blow a joint!”
Got Wood?
Tenon! Mr. Tenon-maker! The Tenonater! Ten-Ten-Ten-Tenster! Tenalocious! Ten-tastic! Makin’ Tenons….
KM whispering to TM…
(hey dude- pssh, pssh jdienliemlsfvn kjdkfiejmc!)
TM responding to KM…
Did you fall on your head or something?
We don’t DO those type of joints!
KM:
“So why do you think we were kicked out of the stainless club?”
TM:
“Well, somebody’s gotta hold this place together & pay the bills!
There’s a reason why they are not limiting our numbers!
You know we’re ………………. E-S-S-E-N-T-I-A-L.
I’m with you: I’m biting the next person who tries to use me as a clamp!
“You have amnesia too?
That’s just great.
You the first I’ve seen that looks like me.
Now what are we suppose to do?”
Duuude! Those clamps are under serious pressure. I’d much rather be doing joints with you.
TM: Fire! Fire!
Everyone out of the building!
Ok, KM, now that the building is cleared,
we could finally get some peace around here
and catch a break from all these staring eyes.
KM: But we’re on the internet TM.
TM: opps, I guess we’re fixed to this joint.
Betty: “Burrrrrrrrp”
Harold: “boy that was a good one”.
Betty: peck, peck, buck-buck-buck-beYUCKK. Buck-buck-buck, peck, peck.
Harold: ER-A-ER-EEEE-URRRRR
Tenonmaker: Hey, I’m new at this. How the heck are we supposed to work?
Kerfmaker: I don’t know – I’m from the school of the mechanically declined. I can’t measure so I have to improvise.
Harold: “You’re holding out on me – I know there are more than one of you here. Nobody bought only one of you.”
Harold: “No Betty, I don’t look down my nose at you – but come to think of it IF YOU HAD A NOSE you could look UP your nose at me…”
Sargent: “ATTEEEENSHON!”
Pyle: “SIR”.
Sargent: “PREESEEENT ARMS”
Pyle: “Oh Crap, how do I do that?”
“Well its One for the money,
Its a two for the show —
three to measure kerf and four to saw, but don’t you measure my mark you fool…you can do anything, but lay off of that ruler too”
Betty: “Harold – What WERE you thinking? You only need one of me..”
Harold: “I know you are holding out on me. I know I can GET BY with only you, but EVERYONE wants SEVERAL of you…”
Harold: “I want you – REAL BAD.”
“So it *is* true what they say about guys with big noses!”
KM: AL-LOO-MIN-NEE-UM
TM: AL-LUM-MIN-UM
KM: AL-LOO-MIN-NEE-UM!
TM: AL-LUM-MIN-UM!
…
km: how many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
tm: i’m not sure i want to know. how many?
km: ……………a FISH !!!
tm: hmmm…… yeah, i’m pretty sure i got it–but what on earth does that have to do with making kerfs and tenons without measuring?
km: well, nothing at all really–but how many chances do you have to tell a surrealist joke to a captive audience of woodworkers?
Harold: “Betty, were you laying next to a table saw or a router table? If you say a router I know DARN WELL you are holding out on me…”
Tom (the turkey) stared for hours at the edifice which looked like his long lost father, hour after hour he inched closer to it. Little did he realize that it was actually a “foot trap” waiting to spring on him…..
Betty: “Harold, I SWEAR I’m the only one – Pfranks bought me…..”
KM to TM: wow, and i thought my goiter was large
KM to TM: so what if you’re bigger, mom liked me best!
You’re right, Tom. I’m never going out with a clamp again. All he did was screw around.
(All quiet on the set as a dust cloud looms over the horizon –
soon, two figures come into view…….)
There’s a new order in town!
Let’s welcome Sheriff “TM” and his Deputy “KM”.
Those previous rulers have blown this joint for the last time!
(Applause)
welcome to the shop, TM. i’m glad your doctor determined you were healthy enough to perform without a ruler.
What did the Kerf maker say to the Tenon maker? PERRRRRRRRRFECT!!
TRANSLATION:
Betty: peck, peck, buck-buck-buck-beYUCKK. Buck-buck-buck, peck, peck.
Harold: ER-A-ER-EEEE-URRRRR (I want you REAL BAD)
Tom (the turkey) inches even closer to the edifice….he is nearly toe to toe with the mysterious object now….
Harold: “Betty, You nearly had me on that Pfranks comment. You ARE holding out on me. If he only bought ONE of you, he would just buy 1/2 of me! Where are you hiding her?” I want you both – REAL BAD!”
A Kerfmaker, a Tenonmaker and a Clamp walk into a bar. The Kerfmaker and Tenonmaker make a perfect joint, while the Clamp just screws around.
Jeez, Tenonmaker! We could have been stars! Instead we’re stuck on this totally awesome and worthless blog…
Alien 1 to Alien 2: So, I hear they found life on Earth!
KM to TM: That’s not levitating!
No, YOU’RE the Tenonmaker; I’M the Kerfmaker.
KM: So JMP said, “I saw what you set-up for me.” Nice pun, eh?
KM: WHAT?!? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
TM: That’s because you ain’t got no ears. Read my lips!
KM: Are you wearing heels?
While Metric and Imperial were battling it out for woodshop superiority, Two unlikely hereos arrived on the scene to make them both obsolete!
NO MORE ENTRIES! Winners will be announced tomorrow (Tuesday).
Wouldn’t it be interesting if you all put this much thought into the design of your pieces before you started?
Furthermore, if you don’t put this much thought into a piece before you start, could the end result be considered a joke?…..Hmmmm..
Thanks to all who participated. More later. And before you get incensed at my latest barb, remember, it was me who pronounced this blog worthless. Besides that, this was a hoot!
–John
Geez! Don’t you hate those blogs that end with morals?
– Peter
Trust me, John: if I put as much time into designing my furniture as I put into coming up with these captions, my furniture would look like crap!
Or, at least, crappier than it does now… 😉
– Peter
Well that just shows how smart Cooter ain`t….the correct phraze is “a sackfull of hammers”….duh…